How to Survive the Wizarding World
by Emy Bellerose
Summary: After Christmas break, James gives Lily a muggle book called How to Survive a Horror Movie. While she reads it, Lily realizes that the book has trapped her friends and her in a horror movie. The only way out is to survive until the credits roll.


Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or How to Survive a Horror Movie. Harry Potter is owned by J.K. Rowling. How to Survive a Horror Movie is owned by Seth Grahame-Smith

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I was sitting in my N.E.W.T.S. Muggle Studies; it was the first class I had after Christmas break. Class started in about thirty minutes and obviously, I was the only person in the classroom. I had gotten here early to avoid Potter. He always tracked me down while I was walking to this class with my friend Ryndon. Apparently, my hair is sticks out like a sore thumb. That is a really bad pun, since my hair is red.

Anyway, I had plotted my plan out perfectly. I got up at the, oh so, perfect time of 7 A.M. and stumbled towards the bathroom. In case you can't tell, I am NOT a morning person. At All. After I was dressed and ready to go, I realized I hadn't told Ryndon about my plan. I went over to her bed and pulled back her curtain. All I could see was a mob of black hair. I put a silencing charm around her bed. There is only one way to wake up Rye. I positioned myself at the end of her bed and I jumped on her.

"LILY!!!" She screamed.

"RYNDEE!!!" I said in the same tone and burst out laughing.

She hated being called Ryndee and she, like me, was not a morning person.

"Rye, get up before we miss breakfast." Those were the magic words. She got up and ran in the bathroom. The one way to get her moving is to mention food. Forty-five minutes later she was ready and we were heading downstairs.

In the great hall, we took the empty seats in the middle of the table. I loaded my plate with waffles and butter pecan syrup.

"Hey, Lily. Ryndon." Most people say that the worst sound is nails on a chalkboard. I disagree.

"Hey, James." Ryndon, my best friend who is now a traitor, replied. "Lily, be nice and say hello."

"Potter." I said grudgingly. Potter ran his hand through his black hair. I always wondered if he did that to make it messier.

"Okay, close enough" She consented and turned back to her breakfast.

"How was your Christmas, Lily?" He asked.

"I don't celebrate Christmas." I said mock-seriously. I know I shouldn't be so mean, but if you had to put up with Potter nonstop you'd act like this too, unless you were one of his fan girls.

"Lily, stop lying." Why did Rye always have to ruin my fun?

"He wouldn't have known I was lying if you hadn't said anything." I muttered. "My break was good." I said louder, "How was yours?"

"Mine was good, but I couldn't wait to get back to Hogwarts."

I realized it was time to put my plan into action. "Oh, I'm sorry. I have to get to class." I left in such a hurry that I forgot my bag. I was halfway down the hall when Potter called my name.

"Lily!?!"

"Yes?" I turned around.

"You forgot you bag."

"Oh, thank you." Then I realized I was talking to Potter and blushed. I turned around so he didn't see me blush.

I started walking away, when he called, "Your welcome."

That's how I got to be sitting in Muggle Studies half an hour early. If that wasn't good enough, I realized I had nothing to do to kill the time. I would have gone to the library, but it was three floor ups and I'd risk seeing Potter. I started shuffling through my bag looking for something, when I found an object wrapped in Christmas paper.

"Well, that wasn't in here earlier." I said to myself.

I unwrapped it and inside was a paperback book. I looked in the pile of wrapping paper and I didn't see a card. "I wonder who it's from."

I looked at the cover **_How to Survive a Horror Movie_** by Grahame-Smith. I opened the first page and a paper fell out.

Dear Lily,

I found this while I was in a Muggle Shop this summer and thought it would be a perfect present for you. Rye told me you liked watching scary movies and I thought it sounded interesting. I hope you like it.

Hopefully, Your Friend

James

"James…" I opened the book and began reading.

**Welcome To Terrorverse**

**How do I know if I'm in a horror movie?**

**Determine how you came to own this book.**

**In movies, things rarely happen without a reason. Therefore, the simple fact that you're holding a book called _How to Survive a Horror Movie_ means someone's probably trying to tell you something.**

"He is probably telling me that I have an overactive imagination." I told the book.

_"I'm just browsing in a bookstore."_

**There's sill a chance it's just a coincidence. Be warned, though—if you take this thing to the counter and buy it, your chances of being in a horror movie go through the roof.**

_ "I ordered it online."_

**This is not good. Computers can be a gateway to unspeakable evil. Perhaps you were merely enticed by the gorgeous cover and incredibly reasonable price.**

"Oh, yes, a gorgeous black cover with fake blood dripping from it." I said shaking my head, laughing silently.

_ "Someone gave it to me as a gift."_

**Yikes. Getting a book called _How to Survive a Horror Movie_ as a gift. That's like giving a young Liz Taylor (1) _How to Survive a Divorce_. "Oh, I just thought it'd make a nice gift, Liz. I'm sure you'll never need it!**

"Well, give it to James to get me an off-the-wall Muggle book."

_ "I found it in the woods"_

**There's only one genre that would allow clumsy, contrived screenwriting like that. Proceed directly to "Slasher Survival School," page 44.**

**Take a look around**

**The environment should offer some clues. If you're on a crowded street in broad daylight, you're probably safe (for now). But if you're anywhere remote—the woods, an old house, an abandoned mental institution in the middle of a black out—then yes, your chances of being in a horror movie are much higher. How the location looks and sounds can be helpful, too:**

"Well, I'm in a classroom in the farthest part of the first floor. Alone, you can't get more remote than that."

**Does everything look slightly grainy?**

**This could indicate that you're being shot on film. Or that you're developing cataracts. Either way, not good.**

**Is it poorly lit?**

**Is everything bathed in bright blue light even though it's supposed to be nighttime? Are there shadowy corners that you should be able to see into but can't?**

"Well, it is an old castle and we use candles for lights." I explained my surroundings.

**What is the set decoration like?**

**Can you see children's sidewalk chalk drawings that should've washed away ages ago? Is everything suddenly covered in cobwebs or rust? Is there a thin layer of smoke on the ground for no reason?**

"As I said before, it is castle of course there is cobwebs. If you think about it, sometimes there is smoke in the potion's classroom…for no reason."

**Do you hear strange sounds?**

**Do strange _chi-chi-chi…ah-ah-ah_ or metal-on-metal noises seem to come out of nowhere? Does music crescendo every time you open a door?**

"Old, _magic _Castle."

**Are you speaking Japanese?**

**According to the laws of early twenty-first century cinema, anyone speaking Japanese is in a horror movie.**

**If the answer to any of these questions is "affirmative," then we have to consider the possibility that you've become trapped in a horror movie.**

"What about three out of five?"

"_Konichiwa_, Lily." A blonde girl who moved here a couple of years ago said as she walked into the classroom.

"Okay, what about four out of five?" I asked the book.

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(1) Elizabeth "Liz" Taylor has been married eight times.


End file.
